We Touch The Ethereal Plane
At approximately 3:32 PM we received a call from the downtown post office. They had received a plain brown package addressed to Carnal Chameleon that had suddenly leapt from the stack of packages and begun flying around the shipping area. This is the break Lilly and I had been looking for, real actual contact with a class-5 vaporous apparition. We suited up and headed to the post office. The scene was chaos, employees and customers alike fleeing the scene as our package clearly marked with the Hole Punch logo darted around erratically, knocking over displays and covering the post office in slime. I approached the creature.
“SQÜRM? As a duly-designated representative of the website, and the blog, of Carnal Chameleon, I order you to cease any and desist all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the next convenient parallel dimension!”
This served only to enrage the ugly little spud. It was clear Lilly and I were going to have to pull out the big guns on this guy. “Grab your stick!… Make ’em hard!.. Heat em up! Let’s show this SQÜRM how we do things at Carnal Chameleon!”
Hole Punch has a sexy sack.
Who You Gonna Call?
Our SQÜRM was shipped from Hole Punch Toys with great care. It’s great to see a creator taking pride in every aspect of the customer receiving a product. Upon opening the box, I was greeted with a Hole Punch stamp on the underside of the lid. The toy itself arrived in a bad-ass burlap sack with the Hole Punch logo stamped on the outside (for the record, you will not want to use this for storing your SQÜRM as it will leave coarse threads all over your toy). The sculptor at Hole Punch takes pride in his creations and in ensuring that every bit of your experience is home-made and hand-crafted. With Hole Punch you are not buying a toy, you are commissioning an artist to create a unique piece of art that you experience with your sex organs.
Supernatural Experiences
Carnal Chameleon would like to once and for all propose that the act of using the SQÜRM should henceforth be referred to as “SQÜRMing”. Before we get into the details of our play sessions, let’s define some ‘SQÜRM terms’:
Don’t look directly at the trap!
When you look at the SQÜRM, you can start to get an idea of which appendages might be best suited for what activities. ‘The Rattler’ looks ideal for anal insertion and stimulating the prostate, while ‘The Kong’ looks like it may be better suited to vaginal insertion. With a toy such as this, however, it’s best not to think too carefully about it. Just slather the sucker with lube, and get SQÜRMing! Here are some of the discoveries we made:
- The “S-Hook”:
- Lilly would lay on her back and insert ‘The Winkie’ so that ‘The Kong’ rested on her mound and ‘the rattler’ pointed down to her legs. Max would then back up onto ‘The Rattler’ on all fours. Both Max and Lilly would then shift and grind into the SQÜRM as the balls of ‘The Rattler’ massages Max’s prostate, and the shaft of ‘The Winkie’ presses against Lilly’s clit. For bonus fun, a vibrating wand can be used against the flat bottom of ‘The Kong’ to send vibrations deep into both partners!
- The “Daily Double”:
- Similar to “The S-Hook,” except ‘The Winkie’ is inserted into Lilly’s back end and ‘The Kong’ is inserted into her front. (SQÜRM is more than flexible enough to do this without causing Lilly any discomfort). Max then again would massage his prostate against ‘The Rattler’).
- The “Ass To Ass”:
- Both Max and Lilly would be on all fours facing away from one another. Max inserts ‘The Winkie’ into his back end with the ‘The Rattler’ facing down. Lilly then backs up onto ‘The Rattler’. Max and Lilly rock back and forth against one another, cheek to cheek. Like “The S-Hook,” this leaves ‘The Kong’ open as a conveniently accessible middle point on which to place a vibrational toy to send each partner into ecstasy.
- The “Snake in the Boot”:
- Max and Lilly would have sex doggie-style, while Max penetrates Lilly’s back end with ‘The Rattler” (the curve of SQÜRM makes it easy for Max to handle the toy as he penetrates Lilly).
A Key-Master (Male Bodied) Perspective
I love using toys in my back end and stimulating my prostate, but I have always had a difficult time finding a comfortable way to use toys on myself. One way is to place the base of the toy on the bed, kneel over the toy and slowly ‘sit’ down onto it. This often leads to tired legs and sore knees. Alternatively I lay on my back, and try to reach around under my leg to hold the toy and insert it. The SQÜRM makes the laying on the back position much easier, because due to the shape it’s easy to find a surface to grab onto (even if it’s covered in lube) and I don’t have to stretch my arm awkwardly to insert it. ‘The Rattler’ appendage can act like anal beads, and is quickly becoming my favorite anal toy to use solo.
SQÜRM was born to wear this suit.
A Gate Keeper (Female Bodied) Perspective
The three appendages of SQÜRM allow for different types of pleasure. When playing alone, I really enjoyed ‘The Winkie’ in my rear while having ‘The Kong’ in my pussy. Using ‘The Rattler’ as a handle, I was able to rock the two appendages back and forth inside of me. ‘The Rattler’ feels amazing in my back end, as the balls give a sensation similar to anal beads. I love to pull them out as I orgasm. Getting to the final 5th ‘ball’ of ‘The Rattler’ proved to be a challenge since inserting the toy that far would cause me to cum almost instantly. ‘The Winkie’ also works great for a back-end toy when you are craving something smooth and thick back there. With the SQÜRM, the possibilities are limited only by your imagination.
It Came… It Saw… It SQÜRMed My Ass!
The SQÜRM with all of it appendages is remarkable to behold. With so many options for insertion it lends itself to a consumer that enjoys not only sex, but also solving brain teasers. SQÜRM does not hold your hand; there is no obvious way for it to be used. Lilly and I were fascinated by this toy that eschewed conventional sex toy affordances and invited us to explore. SQÜRM is not for those that are slow to experiment in the bedroom. As you try new things with this unconventional toy, sometimes it will work, and sometimes it won’t. When things go right, it might just make you sleep above your covers… 4 feet above your covers!
He slimed me… I feel so funky!
We received SQÜRM from Hole Punch Toys free of charge in exchange for our honest review. SQÜRM can be purchased from Hole Punch Toys here.