Star Wars 3D Sculpted Dick Sticks: The Force Awakens… Nothing

Star Wars 3D Sculpted Dick Sticks

I won’t fail you. I’m not afraid

Lilly and I try to be as fair and non-judgmental as possible when writing for Carnal Chameleon, but there’s one thing I think we can all agree on: Star Wars Episodes 1-3 were terrible! This of course has added to the excitement and surprise of the now very successful “The Force Awakens”. With any addition to the Star Wars franchise there is a veritable universe of merchandise released along side. The Force Awakens is no exception to this rule, but we were surprised to learn about some of the Star Wars themed adult merchandise released recently.

Star Wars 3D Sculpted Dick Sticks

It was possible he was concieved by the midi-chlorians

Never Tell Me The Odds

We have heard that Target was looking to get into the sex toy game and had already started offering some related items for more mainstream tastes. We were surprised, however to learn that they had entered the realm of Fantasy sex toys with the release of their Swimways 3D Sculpted Dick Sticks. What better way to celebrate one of the most successful movie franchises of all time than by inserting the antagonists into your body. While we are on the subject, Swimways is kind of an odd name for a sex toy company. Perhaps it a reference to those little white polly-wog swimmers that are ever in search of the egg? While we appreciate the creativity, we do have some concerns about the utility and even safety of these toys for sexual play.

Star Wars 3D Sculpted Dick Sticks

Great shot kid, that was one in a million

Aren’t You a Little Short For a Storm Trooper?

Storm Troopers are already quite phallic, I mean just check that helmet out. Of-course Swimways wanted to really drive the point home (As if there was any doubt) that these toys were meant to resemble a penis. They made sure to include a convincing urethral hole on top of each Star Wars dick stick. Though aesthetically pleasing, this hole doesn’t connect to a cum-tube or other such squirting device and seems only to serve as a possible safe haven for bacteria!

Star Wars 3D Sculpted Dick Sticks

Judge me by my size, do you?

Only Siths Deal in Non-Silicone

The safety concerns with the dick sticks don’t stop with providing bacteria with affordable housing and work opportunities. The head of each dick stick is made from unidentifiable soft rubber. With no information on the packaging, a quick sniff of the tip leads me to believe the material in question is some sort of vinyl. Worse yet, the shaft of each Star Wars dick stick is constructed out of a hard plastic actually wrapped in a paper sticker! We love the details and colors in the design, but if it necessitates wrapping your toy in non-body safe materials we are NOT interested!

Lilly’s Perspective

Lilly, my mate and Carnal Chameleon’s V.O.E 1 in chief had this to say:

I have a bad feeling about this.

Star Wars 3D Sculpted Dick Sticks

You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought

These Are Not The Dildos You Are Looking For

Honestly we were both too afraid to even use these toys. Despite popular media touting these as sex toys, we are honestly starting to question it. Additionally Target displayed poor taste and made us feel uncomfortable by placing these dildos in the children’s toys section. We were so disappointed with our Star Wars Sculpted Dick Sticks, that we threw them into the lake. It was very satisfying watching these clones sink faster than Episode one.


  1. Vagina owning entity.
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